bittersweet

"The idea of bittersweet is changing the way I live, unraveling and re-weaving the way I understand life.  Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.

Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul.  Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands.  Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity.  Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.
When you've faced some kind of death-the loss of someone you loved dearly, the failure of a dream, the fracture of a relationship-that's when you start understanding the central metaphor of the gospel.  When your life is easy, a lot of the really crucial parts of Christian doctrine and life are nice theories, but you don't really need them.  When however death of any kind is staring you in the face, all of a sudden rebirth and new life are very, very important to you.  I've begun to train my eyes for rebirth, looking for buds on branches after an endlressly long winter.  I know that death is real, and I trust that rebirth is real, too."

Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist

this passage has been something i have clung to in my days here so far.  i feel like i literally couldn't survive what i'm seeing here without this perspective.  i have never been in a darker place. i start getting a pit in my stomach as the bus gets closer to the entrance. i literally feel like i'm driving into hell when i pull through the gates of the hospital.  there is so much death and brokenness and suffering.  but i also see the necessity of what i am doing.  i can't live my whole life avoiding the darkness. darkness is reality in this world.  i have been so sheltered from suffering but the truth is we live in a broken world.  suffering should be expected... not in a cynical way, but in a realistic way.  it's easy to run from the suffering, but i believe it needs to be engaged in.  so i can't say that i wake up every day and choose to be here.  honestly, most days if i was offered a plane ticket home i would probably take it without thinking twice.  but i am thankful to be stuck here. i am not strong enough to choose to continue to be here but i am being forced to face reality like i never have before.  i am being forced to wrestle with God over deep issues.  i am being forced to face the darknesss in me and the darkness surrounding me.  and i realize i am being made more whole through the process.