so when i first got here i was overwhelmed by the amount of suffering i was seeing. i had never seen so much brokenness in my life. but as i've spent time here, i've come to realize some things. i've spent a little bit of time away from the hospital and seen somewhat of "normal" life in johannesburg. and i've been struck by the fact that there are people who live here that are so sheltered from what goes on at bara (the hospital). there are people living 10 miles from that hospital that have no idea the depth of suffering in that place. i'm sure the majority of people who live here "know" about bara...but they don't really know it. i'm sure they've heard stories and are cognitively aware of what happens there, but they haven't experienced first hand the mess that it is.
and as i've thought about this, i've realized that "africa" is where i live too. there are things that happen in my city that i cognitively have some awareness of but have no personal engagement with. sure the magnitude of suffering here might be larger but suffering is suffering all the same and it is happening where i live. i have realized that we tend to run from suffering. not many people seek out suffering and choose to go engage in it on a consistent basis. people deal with suffering as it comes to them but they don't go looking for it. and i'm one of those people just like anyone else. if i wasn't literally stuck here for 6 weeks, i can't say that i would have chosen to continually engage in this suffering. it is exhausting. it demands alot from me. it's painful. so i don't have the strength right now to choose to engage in suffering like this, (i think God is fully aware of that and it's why i'm stuck here with no way out) but i'm praying that i develop a toughness to be able to do that.
derek asked me if i thought i would want to come back to africa. that's a hard question to answer right now because i think my perspective will change when i step back from this place and have time to process. but part of that answer is "why?". i think it took coming half way across the world for my eyes to be opened to the reality of brokenness in the world. but i don't think it takes more than a 5 minute drive from my house for me to engage in the brokenness. i think i could save the $1200 plane ticket and put it towards a lot of broken causes where i live. obivously i'm here and i don't think there's anything wrong with coming to help people in africa. i love it..it's meaningful work. but i also think it's healthy to engage in brokenness in my own community on a daily basis. in some senses what i am doing is easier than that. i'm here for 6 weeks and when it comes down to it i know that there's an end to what i'm experiencing. i think that's part of the appeal of short term "mission" trips like these. they give you the ability to go engage in brokenness but in the end you go back to your happy little life and there's an easy out. but to engage in the suffering of my city is a whole different thing.
i think part of what i want to take back from this place is that realization. i want to find the "africa" in my city, the suffering that i am called to be a part of and i want to engage in it for the long haul, not for just 6 weeks. i don't want to live a sheltered life, oblivious to what is happening around me. i want to be tough enough to choose to put myself into broken situations so that God can use be to bring healing and restoration.
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