this seems to be the unplanned sequel to my last post. months later, i am still pondering and processing this parenting issue of benton mirroring me. specifically, the past few months i have been struck by how much i see my same struggles in benton. he wants to give up ship way too quickly...one thing goes not quite the way he planned and all the sudden all hope seems lost and the plan can never be recovered. and yes i know that some of you will argue that most of this has to do with him being 14 months old..which yes definitely plays a part in it but i don't believe is the whole story. i think the other part of the story is that he is a thinker and a planner already...in his mind he always has an idea of how things are going to go before he does them. i can sit there and watch him and see his mind working. i know because my mind works the same way.
derek and i had a discussion about it the other night and derek said he thought it would be easy for me to give benton grace in the ways that he is like me because i can understand. but i told him really i feel it is the opposite. i am convinced that our next child will be exactly like derek...laidback, chill, unfazed by little inconveniences, able to roll with whatever comes up, not super organized, probably a little forgetful and definitely prone to losing (excuse me, "misplacing" as derek would prefer i call it) things all the time. and i am quite certain that i will be filled with grace for that little guy or girl. i will help them remember where they misplaced things, i will make them to do lists, i will celebrate their laidback style. and i think derek will probably struggle more with them than he does with benton. i can see why derek would think it would be easier to give grace to a kid that is like you but there are two reasons why this doesn't seem to be true for me. one, i have already spent the past 7 years learning to love and give grace to derek... in all the goods and bads of his personality. so having another little derek running around the house will be nothing i haven't done before and had plenty of practice at. two and most importantly i think is this: i know my struggles, i am all too familiar with the brokenness that comes from my way of doing life and more than anything i don't want that brokenness for my kids. so when i see benton flinging his toy across the room and flailing his arms up and down just because he didn't get the block on the peg on his first attempt, my heart cringes. i ache because i know how it feels to live life that way. it's not at all an enjoyable thing to live in. which is why i constantly pray that God would show me a new way of living....for His sake, for my sake, and now for benton's sake.
while i pray for healing for my broken way of living, i also realize that complete restoration won't happen here. there will always be brokenness to the way i do life on this side of heaven. so that brings me to realize in incredibly deep ways my need for Jesus...not only for myself, but for my son. as much as i want to parent benton well and show him Jesus, the truth is that there will be places i fail. we are broken people raising broken people. what better place to see our need for Jesus. i am so thankful that ultimately God will father my son's heart, He will create in him the things I desire but cannot give him, He will show him the whole way of doing life in ways that i will never be able to. Lord, thank you for the freedom and the grace that brings to me. i commit to seeking to do life Your way but let You cover me and benton with Your grace when we fail...knowing that You are the one that is changing both of us.
Mandee I feel, well I feel you are speaking to my soul in the last two post. There is nothing that I can add to what you have said. You think/write beautifully. Sometimes it is hard for parents to see what you have seen. Not only in yourself but in Benton. Acknowledging your fear, struggle and commitment to make a new way of living is a divine goal for you and your family. God works in ways that we don't always understand. I pray for grace and joy in those times you feel you fail. There is so much ahead and God will ALWAYS be with you(and Benton).
ReplyDeleteMandee, I feel and agree with you. For myself, seeing my own broken place mirrored back is painful, hard to give grace to, and reminds me too much of how I am not healed.
ReplyDeleteAbbey is beginning to go through puberty (joy to the World). She has become more like me in some ways, and I do not do well in giving her grace, like I thought I would. She was a laid back baby (little did we know at the time she may have just been on complete sensory overload, but she looked laid back). Now, she's looking stubborn, inflexible, and having trouble admitting when she is wrong. She is a little bit embarrassed of me showing up at school these days (yes, she already is), and I want to say: "do you know how much I wanted my parents to do these things?" I cannot offer her my healing either. She's fully human and will have to walk out the broken places herself. It's so hard to watch!
I bet this next DB baby will be easier for you, but WOW do they each offer ways to be healed. You're a great Mom, and deeply insightful. Love you.