it takes a village

lately i've been seeing so much of myself in benton.  i see me in the way he loves to be held and cuddled.  i see me in the way he struggles to just be. in the way he always wants to be doing something. in the way he likes to go to bed early.  in the way he wants to be left alone when he's tired.  in the way he gets so incredibly frustrated when things don't go exactly the way he envisions. in the way he needs other people to write stories for him.  in the way his eyes light up when he sees derek smile.  in the way he throws a fit when people don't want to do what he wants to do.  in the way he wants to be near the people he loves.  in the way he is unsure about big crowds of people.  in the way he is at peace in the familiar.  

i'm realizing that this is going to be an incredibly humbling part of parenting.  to see the good and bad of yourself reflected in someone else is a crazy thing.  more than ever before, it makes me want to be more of the good and less of the bad.

and it makes me incredibly thankful that he has two parents.  i see how benton desperately needs the balance between us.  he needs my calm and derek's crazy.  my stability and derek's unpredictability.  my logic and derek's dreams.  my peace and derek's excitement.  my schedule and derek's flexibility.  my efficiency and derek's rest. he needs derek to show him what it means to write his own story and me to show him what it means to be a part of good stories that others are writing.  he needs me to teach him how to plan and derek to show him the importance of letting plans change.  he needs me to show him how to make to do lists and derek to show him how to throw to do lists in the trash and just enjoy life sometimes.  he needs me to provide structure to his days and derek to keep him on the edge of his seat. 

and beyond that it makes me realize the true importance of raising kids in community.  derek and i each have unique things to offer him but that is not enough.  i want benton to grow up seeing jesus in all sorts of different ways in all sorts of different people.  my prayer is that benton learns to see jesus in everyone around him and becomes what he sees.