shout out to the bloopers

We just got back from the beach for a week and one thing I really wanted in that week was a good family picture.  Not just a decent one, but one that I could get on a canvas and hang in our dining room.  Doesn't seem like that much to ask, right?  Just one is all I wanted.  Welp, all of you with young children know that its much harder than it seems.  They aren't puppets that will pose in a picture at just the right time with just the right face in just the right clothes.  They are messy and unpredictable and opinionated and all over the place.  So it turned into quite the mission.  And the results led me to think about life and perspective.  My photo albums are strangely missing any sight of tears or frowns or struggle or temper tantrums.  We don't take videos of Benton flailing on the floor because we didn't give him another pack of fruit snacks, we just video him so cutely eating the fruit snacks.  I wonder in 10 years when we look back if we will forget the fits when we watch the videos.  To some extent that is fine, but I think I am all too quick to run from and attempt to forget and get away from suffering as quickly as I can.  And in my journey to get a good family photo I was struck by the ratio of good to imperfect.  So much more of life is lived in the imperfections....

...the messy... 

 ...and the off centered...

...and the goofy and the eyes closed... 

....and the get me out of here now... 

...and the shadows... 

...and the grumpy faces 

...and the angry struggle... 

...and the fear of where we're at... 

....and the windblown.... 

....and the running away...

So I still can't say that these pictures will make the photo albums.  But they do change my perspective.  I want to become someone who more readily embraces the struggle and the imperfect.  Who finds God in the messy.  I am realizing that most of me, when I'm honest, just wants life to work at the way I plan, the easy way, the struggle-free way.  But there is this small part of me, the faith part probably, that says no. That realizes that isn't really the way to a full life.  That realizes that pain and brokenness and conflict are an essential part of the story.  Donald Miller talks about how a good story must involve conflict and struggle.  And as much as I don't want that to be true, deep down I know it is true.  When faced with the potential for struggle, I want to run or cling to false hope or turn to a vending machine God that will give me exactly what I'm wanting.  But that would be no God at all and the story would not be a good one. 

*I did finally get a good picture by the way.  And owe my husband for enduring the multiple attempts over multiple days in multiple outfits.

parenting, part 2

this seems to be the unplanned sequel to my last post.  months later, i am still pondering and processing this parenting issue of benton mirroring me.  specifically, the past few months i have been struck by how much i see my same struggles in benton.  he wants to give up ship way too quickly...one thing goes not quite the way he planned and all the sudden all hope seems lost and the plan can never be recovered.  and yes i know that some of you will argue that most of this has to do with him being 14 months old..which yes definitely plays a part in it but i don't believe is the whole story.  i think the other part of the story is that he is a thinker and a planner already...in his mind he always has an idea of how things are going to go before he does them.  i can sit there and watch him and see his mind working.  i know because my mind works the same way.

derek and i had a discussion about it the other night and derek said he thought it would be easy for me to give benton grace in the ways that he is like me because i can understand.   but i told him really i feel it is the opposite.  i am convinced that our next child will be exactly like derek...laidback, chill, unfazed by little inconveniences, able to roll with whatever comes up, not super organized, probably a little forgetful and definitely prone to losing (excuse me, "misplacing" as derek would prefer i call it) things all the time.  and i am quite certain that i will be filled with grace for that little guy or girl.  i will help them remember where they misplaced things, i will make them to do lists, i will celebrate their laidback style.  and i think derek will probably struggle more with them than he does with benton.  i can see why derek would think it would be easier to give grace to a kid that is like you but there are two reasons why this doesn't seem to be true for me.  one, i have already spent the past 7 years learning to love and give grace to derek... in all the goods and bads of his personality.  so having another little derek running around the house will be nothing i haven't done before and had plenty of practice at.  two and most importantly i think is this:  i know my struggles, i am all too familiar with the brokenness that comes from my way of doing life and more than anything i don't want that brokenness for my kids.  so when i see benton flinging his toy across the room and flailing his arms up and down just because he didn't get the block on the peg on his first attempt, my heart cringes.  i ache because i know how it feels to live life that way.  it's not at all an enjoyable thing to live in.  which is why i constantly pray that God would show me a new way of living....for His sake, for my sake, and now for benton's sake.

while i pray for healing for my broken way of living, i also realize that complete restoration won't happen here.  there will always be brokenness to the way i do life on this side of heaven.  so that brings me to realize in incredibly deep ways my need for Jesus...not only for myself, but for my son.  as much as i want to parent benton well and show him Jesus, the truth is that there will be places i fail.  we are broken people raising broken people.  what better place to see our need for Jesus.  i am so thankful that ultimately God will father my son's heart, He will create in him the things I desire but cannot give him, He will show him the whole way of doing life in ways that i will never be able to.  Lord, thank you for the freedom and the grace that brings to me.  i commit to seeking to do life Your way but let You cover me and benton with Your grace when we fail...knowing that You are the one that is changing both of us.